im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
