the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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