so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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