It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
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Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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