I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
