i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
