What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
