Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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