I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
