kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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