I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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