just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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