So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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