I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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