The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
