Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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