well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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