Say something about gay babies.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize