hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
