there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
