you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
