Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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