When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
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I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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