yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
This is not my ceiling
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
