My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
