Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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