We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
