I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
