The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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