I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
