speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
