why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
