Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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