do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
