im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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