I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
