The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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