So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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