I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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