can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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