3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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