Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
