shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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