And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
