yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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