I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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