I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
