I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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