so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I won't apologize to a one balled man
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
