So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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