there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
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You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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