piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
