You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
