Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
