I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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