Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
